Hesperia Old-Timers

by Nicole Hearn

For years my mom has been being invited to this, "Hesperia Old Timers" party where people who have lived in Hesperia 25 years or more go to this gathering to socialize and reminisce. This year, for the first time since mom has qualified, we decided to go. (Interestingly enough, I remember my mom when she didn't qualify. She was a few years older than I am now at the time. Scary.)

We were in church until after it started but as soon as church let out we went, with potluck dishes and all eight of us. We were very out-of-place, considering the average age of attendees, but it was tons of fun and highly entertaining.

When we came in the door.....single file....I am not sure the lady at the desk actually knew what to do with all of us. I stayed behind with dad and Whitney to write name tags and enter names into the Doorprize drawing, at which time the lady cautiously asked, "So.....is this your only child?" She was gesturing towards Whitney. I straightened, realized she was talking to me, and said, perhaps a little too cheerfully, "Oh, no; she's my sister." I probably should have broken the news gently because I'm afraid that kind of news at her age was about to cause complete cardiac arrest. Once she recovered from the initial shock, she asked my dad, with equal hesitation, "So.....was she a surprise?"
"No," dad said, grinning in mom's direction, "We've been practicing." Apparently she thought it was the most clever thing she'd heard in awhile; I heard her repeating it to other guests later.
We sat down---accounting for about 13.3333333 percent of the audience---and shortly thereafter went to get lunch from the potluck spread, then sat down to eat. Jay started eating this cake and he was like, "I've tasted this flavor before.....but I can't remember what exactly it tastes like. Kind-of like water. The flavor is in the aftertaste." My curiosity was piqued and so I took a bite of his cake and, sure enough, afterwards it tasted like water. Then mom of course had to have some and we all eventually came to the conclusion that it tasted like mold and/or an alcoholic beverage of some kind. Daniel asked for a piece of the cake and for some strange reason Jay got him that kind. Mom, wanting healthy/un-drunk children, told Daniel that he could have a different piece and that dad would eat the "cake that doesn't taste very good" for him.
Turns out we were sitting in The Entertainment Section. It wasn't supposed to be that, per se, but this trio of very loud females was sitting near us and they regularly repeated everything that was being said at the front of the room and amongst themselves.

Someone would announce a door prize.....(this is an actual near-perfect transcription of a conversation that took place during the course of the afternoon):
"Oh, look, Sharon got a door prize."
"I wonder what she'll get! There she goes! Go on down, Sharon!" (Smatterings of applause.)
"That's nice. Sharon deserves a nice prize. I hope she gets one."
"Oh! She picked a scarf! I made that scarf!"
(Hollering:) "Sharon, Jonelle made that scarf! It's double crocheted!"
"Yes, it's double-crocheted. Look at it in the light and you can see; it's double-crocheted! Hold it up to the light! There you go. Yes....do you see?"
"Wow, so, is it for winter?"
"Yes, Jonelle can teach you how to tie it properly; it's double-crocheted."

None of this, mind you, was at all said in a whisper, meaning that while it was going on (read: all of the time) it was pretty much impossible to hear what was happening from the microphone. Not that that was much more interesting; the rare excitement was when an older gentleman came up and made some announcement about an Austin Powers dance he had conducted with some female guest on a cruise ship, and wisecracks from a woman who looked like the sixties hadn't been good to her and regularly came to the microphone to give us short messages of unknown significance.

We ended up winning two door prizes; Jay wasn't around when he won his so I went up to collect it for him and there was some mild form of panic when they realized that I wasn't Jay; it managed to resolve itself when I told them that he wasn't around and I was getting it for him. Both of our prizes were the exact same thing--a jar opener that we didn't need. (Mom suggested donating them back but under the circumstances that didn't seem like a very good idea.) The lady behind us won what The Trio Behind Us called, "A magnetic post-it!" In actuality it was a list for to-do items, with the very interesting title of, "Doggy Doo."
The Trio had many comments about that.
"Oh, Doggy Doo!" Too loudly.
"That's kind of like Honey-Do......only......Doggy Doo. You know, a Honey-Do list? But it's Doggy-Doo. Isn't that cute!"
Jay leaned over to me and whispered, "That is for single women."